Could you use a listening tune-up and become a more effective communicator and trusted colleague, coach, confidant or leader? Then, listen up, everyone …
The oft-covered song Everybody’s Talking begins, “Everybody’s talkin’ at me. I don’t hear a word they’re saying … “
Sound familiar?
Or were you not completely tuned in to what was being said?
In a recent lengthy article in Harvard Business Review, co-authors Robin Abrahams, Research Associate at Harvard Business School, and Boris Groysberg, a professor of Business Administration in the university’s Organizational Behavior unit, write:
“Listening is a skill that’s vitally important, sadly undertaught, and physically and mentally taxing. In the aftermath of Covid-19, particularly with the shift to remote work and the red-hot job market, it’s never been more important — or more difficult — for leaders to be good listeners.”
So, here are nine things to keep in mind if you desire to become a more active listener …
REPEAT THE OTHER PERSON’S LAST FEW WORDS BACK TO THEM.
Doing this helps the other person feel they’re being listened to and believe what they have to say matters to you. It also helps keep both of you on track in the discourse while providing a momentary pause for each participant to gather thoughts or bounce back from an emotional reaction to something said or expressed.
RESIST THE TEMPTATION TO INSERT YOUR OWN WORDS … UNLESS NECESSARY.
Direct
repetition works, even though it may feel unnatural. Rephrasing what the other
person has said, however, can increase tension and mental load on both parties.
No need to add your own “spin” to what was just shared with you [and we all do
it]. Having said that, if clarity is lacking, it’s okay to say, “Just to be
sure I fully understand what you said, I’m going to put this in my own words.
Let me know if I’ve missed anything or if I misunderstood you.”
OFFER NONVERBAL CUES THAT SHOW YOU’RE LISTENING … IF IT COMES NATURALLY TO YOU.
Unspoken communication such as eye contact, attentive posture, nodding and other nonverbal cues are important. But paying attention to someone’s words is hard if you’re too busy reminding yourself to make regular eye contact. If these listening signals don’t come naturally to you, simply let the other party know at the outset of the conversation that you tend to be on the non-reactive side, ask for their patience and understanding, assure them you are indeed listening … and advise them to never sit across from you at a poker table!
TUNE IN TO NONVERBAL CUES.
Truly active listening means paying attention to both the explicit and implicit info being expressed by the speaker. Nonverbal cues such as tone, facial expressions and body language are typically where the motivation and emotion behind the words is emphasized – basically, it’s the added “oomph” to the words spoken. Which means it’s important to the person speaking. Take note!
ASK, ASK … AND ASK AGAIN.
Asking questions [even if you sense you’re asking too many] sends a signal to the other person that you’re engaged, and you’re truly listening to them. Doing this improves the other person’s experience of feeling heard and having their perspective validated; ensures you fully comprehend their message; and can ensure no important details have been overlooked.
CLEAR YOUR MIND … AND YOUR DEVICES.
Take steps to minimize or eliminate potential noise, interruptions, and other external distractions, as well as any internal distractions such as a wandering mind, the urge to check your watch or gaze out a window, etc. If you find yourself preoccupied with something other than the conversation you’re having, do what’s necessary to reel it in and refocus. If you anticipate a conversation will be challenging, upsetting, or potentially confrontational, calm yourself as much as possible before going in.
OWN YOUR SHORTCOMINGS.
If
you know before a conversation you may be a subpar listener — whether due to
being fatigued by other intense conversations that day, being unfamiliar with
the topic to be addressed, or some other reason — let the other person know
right away. [i.e., “Bear with me, it’s been a challenging day today …” or “Help
me better understand what we’re discussing. You know more about this than I do
…”, etc.] If you drift off and believe you’ve missed something, apologize and
ask the person to repeat themselves.
THE BIGGIE: NEVER REHEARSE YOUR RESPONSE WHILE THE OTHER PERSON IS TALKING!
Briefly pause after a person finishes speaking to send the signal you’ve been listening, you understand what they said, and you’re now beginning the process of formulating your response. This requires intentional effort. Human brains think four times faster than people talk, so you may feel you’re ahead of them but resist the urge to respond too soon. It’s OK to pause, reflect and react … but only after they finish speaking.
KEEP YOUR PERSONAL EMOTIONS IN CHECK.
If you feel yourself reacting emotionally – strongly disagreeing, taking offense, or feeling the need to defend somebody or something – breathe. Slow the discussion down a bit, especially your end of things. Do more repetition and pay attention to your breathing. At all costs, avoid responding in a manner that will cause the other person to withdraw or disengage entirely. Having said that, this doesn’t give you permission to automatically [and self-righteously] tune out what you don’t want to hear, or rush to discount it or argue it away.
I quoted the co-authors of the study at the head of this post and I believe it’s worth restating: “Listening is a skill that’s vitally important, sadly undertaught, and physically and mentally taxing. … It’s never been more important — or more difficult — for leaders to be good listeners.” While many, if not all, of these tips may not come across as blockbuster insights for some of you, I’d be willing to bet 100% of us could use them as great reminders.
Cheers,
Kenneth Jones
